Setting Boundaries® with Negative Thoughts and Painful Memories by Allison Bottke

Author:Allison Bottke
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780736962421
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers

Chapter 8

Childhood Chaos; Adult Confusion

We know that our past experiences and memories contribute to who we are today. The combination of those experiences, our God-given temperament, and the choices we’ve made over the years contribute to who we are as adults.

We also know, sadly, that many of us are casualties of a less-than-perfect childhood and that some boundary violations can scar us for life—especially those we experienced as impressionable young children. We develop coping mechanisms and defensive strategies very early in life, and sometimes we don’t see how our current habits and behaviors are based—unhealthily—on those early dynamics. We can be injured physically, emotionally, sexually, and even spiritually, and these childhood injuries often shape the adults we become.

However, we also know that we are not destined to live in the shadow of our past. We can sort through the layers of hurts we’ve been hoarding and clean out our emotional house. Despite our past, we can become confident, optimistic, and hopeful. With intentional commitment to change and God’s loving touch, most of us can reprogram our brains and develop new and healthier behaviors.

The Perfect Family

In Setting Boundaries for Young Women, readers met a woman who was the church’s office manager and whose husband held the elected position of Sunday school superintendent at the same church. They were any pastor’s dream couple—attractive, talented, relatively affluent, hardworking people who contributed to the weekly routine of church life.

But this couple had a secret: he was an abusive husband, she was a battered wife, and their daughter, Missy, was caught in the crossfire.

The physical violence escalated for years until an incident occurred that caused the wife to call the police, fearful that her husband was going to kill her. He had been pounding the back of her head into the kitchen cupboard, making an effort not to bruise her face. The pounding woke Missy, a teenager at the time, who went into the kitchen and witnessed the brutal attack. The mother managed to break free and call 9-1-1 just before she lost consciousness in Missy’s arms. The husband was arrested and held for two days, yet when he was released, many people found it hard to believe that he was violent.

But not Missy. She had always known her father was a dangerous man. She had painful memories from very early in her life. She knew her parents often fought, but she hid in her room and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.

Seeing her mother covered in blood and the rage on her father’s face that day deeply scarred Missy. This incident crystallized for Missy the significance of what she had witnessed throughout her childhood. She had never questioned her mother’s self-proclaimed “natural clumsiness” or the frequent “accidents” that often resulted in bruises on her mother’s arms or pain in her stomach, back, or ribs, sometimes keeping her in bed for days, and wincing whenever she moved. The “incidents” were never discussed, but Missy and her mother walked on eggshells during the aftermath of her father’s rage.

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